Weddings: 4 psychological dilemmas all couples-to-be go through

Syed Ali Abbas Qasim Shah Dec 20 2015
wedding

Marriage is a socially acceptable sexual relation between two people. While its definition differs a little nation by nation, it is one of the most celebrated stages of an individual’s life and perceived as the most positive turn of events. This, however, may not always be the case.

Marriage can both be frivolous and daunting, depending who is getting married and how their circumstances are. The perceived effect of marriage is also motivated by how the marriage takes place.

There are weddings which take place in the silence of court houses. Some chose to marry in their religious centers like mosques, community centers, churches and the likes. Whilst, many book lawns and halls, and make sure the event is as festive, lavish and memorable as it can be.

Pakistan is a society which loves to celebrate weddings, and by love, I mean it’s considered an obsession. While this isn’t necessarily a bad thing, it is important to understand how the to-be couples feel about their time of getting married. What emotions and psychological issues do these couples feel?

On the face, weddings seem to be all about the salon, the dress, the shirwani, mayon, ladoo, haldi, reconciling with family and uncles/aunties being cheeky and joyous. But what goes in the minds of those getting married? Here are a few things I found out after coming across a few newly-married couples.

EVERYTHING HAS TO BE IN PLACE (THE PERFECTION BUG)

During weddings, many bride and grooms go on a spree of making sure everything is done to perfection. Mostly with women, that’s from the flower arrangement to the color scheme of shaadi dresses. For guys, it’s mostly among the lines of finances adding up to make sure everything is paid for and is done in time. There is stress, aggression, tears and an interesting exchange of words.

IMPRESSION MANAGEMENT

It becomes immensely important for the groom/bride to gel well with their spouse-to-be and when it comes to weddings, in Pakistan, the wedding is between family and not just individuals. Every groom/bride wants that their family is liked by those of their spouse, and though everyone has met the parents and probably the grandparents, it’s time to introduce the uncles and the aunts – that khala-zaat-cousin Nadeem and his annoying prying family.

Impression management becomes the highlight of the priority list and all anxieties start playing their part. The bride/groom both want that their families accepted as cool and fun and not prying party poppers.

WILL IT WORK OUT?

Following up with our commitments is not always an easy thing to do. Commitment to uphold relationships, values and family names can be a daunting task all in its own. I mean, one really cannot control the thanklessness of a child, the loudness of dad/mum or the perkiness of the phuppos all at the same time. What can be done is to adjust and make the best of it all.

When commitments go long term, these are bound to take a toll on one’s mind.

One thing that is often the question most serious people ask themselves is, will this work out? Will my expectations be met? Will he/she be as nice as I hoped he/she would be? Will there be sacrifices, adjustments or will there be more stability and smoothness?

Will her rotis be round enough? Will I get to work after marriage? Will my mother-in-law end up being a Cruella or a Tulsi? Will she let me party with my friends on Saturdays? How much money will I have to spend on birthdays, family visits? Do I have to meet all his/her friend?

These thoughts make one agitated and filled with fear of the future.

IT WILL ALL WORK OUT! (DENIAL)

But many people somehow put that away and close it in a box, and shut themselves even from the thought of such things and chose to go with the flow. Such people often miss-out the glaring red signals that are being pushed in their faces from the other side, which, again, is wrong, as ignorance doesn’t always mean bliss.

While these issues are common, we should understand that their remedies are common as well. If you are having doubts, talk to someone in your family whom you can trust and who will not judge you for having second thoughts. Clear your mind of all issues that might be bothering you. If you feel pressured with the wedding preparations, take a short break and get some fresh air, if you feel anxious about things going wrong, try telling yourself that you have done your best and that nothing is perfect, glitches happen.

This is your big day – it would be a waste if you do not enjoy it to the fullest.

Happy Wedding Season Everyone!

Syed Ali Abbas Qasim Shah

Syed Ali Abbas Qasim Shah:

He is a psychology graduate who is currently working as a research associate at IRD.